Sometimes a Double Stroller means so much more than what it is.

Nine years ago today, Henry was assembling a double stroller in the driveway for our second baby who we were not certain would be a reality.

It was a hot and sunny day in May, JB was running around the yard, and Henry was struggling with the Graco Duo Glider that we debated over purchasing for a month.  At the very last-minute, we decided to pull out all the stops and get the big hunk of a stroller (in navy blue not mint green).

Not the Duo Glider but an illustration of HB's assembling skills -

I was huge, hot, and ready to deliver a baby the next day (I was being induced first thing in the morning).  Henry was about as ready to meet his second son as he was his first.  We were both completely and utterly unprepared for the change that was upon our little family.  To a certain extent, I don’t think either of us really believed that we were going to have a second baby.  Our denial was the elephant in the room for nine months.

I only have these memories in my mind from that day.  In fact, the only recollections of the nine months during which I was pregnant with BB are in my head.  There are no photos of my pregnant belly or nudie shots a la Demi Moore like with baby # 1.  In fact, there is no tangible imprint of the pregnancy on our lives from those nine months.  My heart still beats fast whenever I think of those LONG nine months.

My first pregnancy with JB went smoothly.  I jetted from Pittsburgh to L.A. to NYC and Hawaii and Las Vegas.  I think I also made a stop in Columbus, Ohio.  I worked out, worked, decorated, shopped, washed EVERYTHING in Dreft, and prepared with ease.  All of this made it much harder when my second pregnancy ended almost half-way through around 18 weeks.  Quite possibly the darkest days of my life and certainly Henry’s and my marriage.

My eyes fill with tears just writing this, and I feel as though I cannot go on with this post.  I do not know if I will ever be able to put paper to pen or hand to keyboard about the specifics of that time period.  It was just devastatingly awful, and I was quite certain that my life would never be the same.  Not to mention, with Henry and I both being only children, all we wanted for JB was to have a sibling.  There was also a nagging fear that something may happen to JB.  I didn’t know what, but something. Clearly there was some sort of dark cloud looming over me.

Although many friends and family members disagreed, I felt determined to give JB a brother or sister because I always dreamed of having one.  I found myself pregnant and scared to death 4 months after losing the baby.  There was no jetting around, name picking, or fantasizing over Wendy Bellisimo Linens.

Henry and I settled into a quiet routine of bi-weekly ultrasounds and doctor appointments until I was 20 weeks pregnant, at which point we shared the stressful news that we were pregnant with a limited group.

The second 20 weeks were a blur of more sonograms, doctor visits, and what seemed to be false assurances that our baby would be OK.  Uh – NOT until I see that damn baby, would I believe that.

At 8 months pregnant, I suffered the loss of my father which was not easy under extreme supervision and watchful eyes.  Everyone involved was concerned for me and the baby (who would now be named for my dad).

It was only in the last 24 hours before getting induced, Henry and I could actually allow ourselves to believe that we were going to have a second baby.  We marked the occasion with purchasing the Duo Glider which seemed like such a monstrosity to an urban couple, but was also symbolic of what we yearned for in the worst way.  A stroller built for TWO was a dream come true for us.

On May 26, 2003 upon BB being delivered, Henry and I both breathed the HUGEST sigh of relief.  A cute, tiny, little peanut at only 6 pounds, BB was our greatest accomplishment.  He was a tremendous jewel, a shiny orb that I dreamt about over and over again.

I don’t have any photos to mark this time, but now I have this blog post as part of my legacy to Blake.  A piece of my history on what he really means to me.  My baby, my dad’s namesake, JB’s little bro!

We do have lots of snapshots of the Duo Glider in use, though.  That big thing went everywhere with us until it was on its last wheel.  Why can’t they make a purse that holds as much as that stroller?

 

I knew that Henry and I could not go through another nine months like that ever again, so I held onto every stage with BB.  (Possibly, why I prolonged going back to work a little longer that I should have, but that little baby captured my heart.)

If you knew BB as a baby, you know that he was sweet like an angel.  Honestly, he barely cried, slept anywhere, and was a cream puff.  Ummmm…now he is a little devil, prankster, drummer, Lego master builder, bicycle speed demon with the most wicked left-handed lay-up…I need 5 sets of eyes with him.

With all eyes and energy focused on ‘the party’ (as we refer to BB) … He is about all that I can handle along with his older bro.

This holiday weekend, I am honoring BB and how he completed our little family.  I am unplugging and taking some time with the most precious men in my life…all 3 of them…HB, JB, AND BB.

Wishing you a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend.  I will be back in a few days, and I would love to hear your comments, thoughts or wishes for other moms in a precarious position.

Thanks for letting me share.

 


{ 17 comments… add one }

  • Corey Feldman May 25, 2012, 8:47 AM

    I miss the days of the double stroller! Cute pictures.
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    Reply
  • Jenny from Mommin' It Up May 25, 2012, 9:12 AM

    Oh my gosh, Rachel. This post was a masterpiece. It really made me cry, I can feel your pain and your reluctance to let yourself feel joy at your pregnancy. Having kids is such a freaking risk!! Thank you for sharing this. I know it will give lots of others comfort.
    Jenny from Mommin’ It Up recently posted..C’mon Get HappyMy Profile

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    • Rachel Blaufeld May 28, 2012, 8:04 PM

      thnx jenny – the risk is crazy, but the outcome is amazing.

      Reply
  • Emily from Mommin It Up May 25, 2012, 9:52 AM

    Jenny always cries. But I agree, it was beautiful. You’re a strong woman!
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  • Kellie (The Pauper's Castle) May 25, 2012, 10:04 AM

    Thank you for sharing your story! Pregnancy for MANY is not glorious and beautiful as it seems to always be portrayed. A beautiful post and tribute to those of us that know the dark side of pregnancy! I suffered from severe post-partum preeclampsia with the birth of our 1st and only. I want her to have a sibling, but I have some pit in my stomach that seems to nag at me and say “should you really go down that road again?”. I hope to find your strength one day. This is our story…http://www.thepauperscastle.com/2012/05/where-i-have-been.html

    Reply
    • Rachel Blaufeld May 28, 2012, 8:05 PM

      I completely understand your trepidation. when you are ready, you will know. until then – enjoy your child!

      Reply
  • Hollee May 25, 2012, 10:46 AM

    What a beautiful tribute. Enjoy your weekend — I’m doing the same:)
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  • Stefani May 25, 2012, 11:20 AM

    Rach this is beautiful. Where would we be without BB to add humor, creativity, and imagination
    to our lives? Happy 9th BB! Here’s to many years of watching our odd couple boys grow old together.

    Reply
    • Rachel Blaufeld May 28, 2012, 8:07 PM

      I certainly would not laugh nearly half as much without bb and his good buddy -

      Reply
  • Flee May 25, 2012, 7:44 PM

    Happy Birthday BB from your friends in LA! We miss you!! Rach – loved the post .. so beautiful and it brought tears to my eyes. xxoo

    Reply
  • Dana May 26, 2012, 6:57 AM

    Happy birthday BB and happy birth-day Rach. With tears rolling down my face from the beautifully written experience that you don’t let define you but rather strengthen you!

    Reply
    • Rachel Blaufeld May 28, 2012, 8:07 PM

      I hope that sharing my strength will help others -thnx Dana.

      Reply
  • Haralee May 26, 2012, 8:17 AM

    A lovely post, beautiful boys!!

    Reply
  • Mom101 May 27, 2012, 8:32 AM

    What a beautiful post Rachel. I think he’ll be so thrilled in years to come when he reads this, knowing just how much you wanted him. And just how much something as simple as a stroller can mean to a mom.

    Besides, I love happy endings.
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  • judy goldman May 28, 2012, 7:23 PM

    I am sitting here crying as I read this. It really is a beautiful post and a tribute to BB and to your family. I am really blessed to be your Mom and to be the grandmother of Jackson and Blake.

    Reply
  • Galit May 28, 2012, 9:18 PM

    Hi Rachel,
    I had a similar experience at week 21…. between Guy and Liam; and then arrived my gift, Liam….

    Reply

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