Focus or Fear: Why am I so bad at vacationing?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…..By now you probably have figured out that I am at the beach.  Nestled somewhere along the eastern shoreboard with an ungodly amount of dirty camp laundry sitting in my garage at home, I am getting to know my kids all over again.  If you missed the last month or so, I will fill you in – my boys were at sleepover camp for a month.

They are certainly back.  I have the food bills to prove it.

Anyway, I am at the beach.  I am supposed to be off, but I just cannot do it.  It is a like an addiction, but a good one.  A laser focus that never loses sight of its target.   Yesterday, it was the files that ‘Ken’ needed.  I don’t even really know Ken all that well yet, but since I have lost track of how many prototype guys and gals there are, I am simply calling Ken – ‘Ken’ – because after all that is who he is…Ken.  Ken is in charge of tweaking.  Tweaking the prototype design to make it production ready.

In my mind – this type of stuff cannot wait.

To quote myself, ‘if one does not treat something like a business from the very beginning – it is only a JOBBY.’

Today, it was an exciting opportunity that keeps resurfacing for the blog.  I could not help myself to schedule a BIG call for next week (note to self: still need childcare for this appointment).

Yesterday, I vaguely recall hearing my mom (did I mention she is here, too?) saying ‘darling, who are you emailing?’  To which, I replied, ‘Ken.’  As if everyone on the Delaware beaches is intimately familiar with Ken.  My mom in an effort to avoid looking like she is not in the loop then replied, ‘Oh good.  Take care of that.’

Today, I think I started making up names.  ‘Who’s that?’ ‘Kim.’ ‘What’s going on now?’ ‘Just something urgent from Candace.’  My mom is nodding.  Everyone is agreeing.  AND, I AM TOTALLY NOT DOING WHAT I SAID I WAS GOING TO DO, WHICH IS BE OFF, OFF, OFF.

THEN, it dawns on me.  I don’t have laser focus, but rather fear of failure.  I fall on my humble sword.  Don’t believe the hype.   I just don’t want to f— up.  The notion that if I let go for a moment in time,  everything will fall apart and unravel is so deeply engraved in my soul.  So deep that I call it a different name like focus or Candace, and everyone says ‘good job!’

Someone just say BULL or CRAP. That is what it is.  BULL or CRAP or worse.

Listen, ‘Ken’ has his dimensions and the appointment is set for next week (and my kids can watch TV during that time because quite frankly they have not watched TV in 5 weeks) and tomorrow, I am going to water park  and I am putting my phone in the little locker.  End of story.

I am waving the finger in fear’s face because after all I am tough (and I was quoted in Fast Company this month.)


{ 6 comments… add one }

  • Haralee August 16, 2012, 5:10 PM

    The good and the bad about mobile technology!
    Usually in manufacturing there is a Bob or a Mike, in your case a Ken. I find in IT it is a Justin or Jeremy.
    Sometimes I am; Mam, Honey or Sweetie, so it all works out!

    Reply
  • Mary August 18, 2012, 1:30 PM

    I think you just wrote exactly what I experience when I go on vacation. A friend told me he went away for two weeks recently and as he talked about his lovely trip, I got filled with anxiety. How did he manage to leave his business and not worry. Not to mention he was in GERMANY!!! Too far away. Although maybe that’s the trick. Make sure you’re somewhere that the time difference screws everything up. Thanks for the great post. Hope you’re relaxing somewhat.

    Reply
    • Rachel Blaufeld August 20, 2012, 7:45 AM

      Unfortunately – Mary, I am with you – how did he do that? I don’t know, but I am also not very good at separating!

      Reply
  • Janice Schwarz August 22, 2012, 8:09 AM

    I can completely relate to being too afraid to stop working. I work my butt off, in part of fear of failure. That’s something I realized not long ago too. Nice to see someone else voice it as well. I think that is a fair bit of motivation among some of us Type A’s.
    Janice Schwarz recently posted..I Have Awesome ClientsMy Profile

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