It has been a while since I bared my soul here. Perhaps, it has just been a quiet period or more like a very emotional time that I could not verbalize or explain all that was happening. Either way, yesterday was a spectacular day for me on the inventing front from news on my patent pending application to more positive news on the manufacturing end. My intention was to write all about that today, but it will have to wait (sorry).
Smack in the middle of my inventing high, my kids were misbehaving, my beloved husband made a comment that pushed all my buttons, and my mom was displeased with me….just another day in life. It always seems like this: When work is looking up, the personal side is plummeting. I don’t know for sure, I just roll with it (kind of).
Needless to say, I had a very restless night’s sleep which included this sort of ongoing dream sequence I have been having. A few night’s ago, I almost thought I was having a Stephenie Meyer moment. Rather than watching a human and vampire in the meadow from high above, I was witnessing a single mom and businessman (think Pierce Brosnan in the Thomas Crown Affair) fall deeply in love aboard a cruise ship (fade in on Titanic). At first, I thought I was nuts, but as the week went on, my dream continued with the woman and man returning home to continue their affair.
Last night when my dreams returned to where they left off, the couple moved in together. For God’s sake, I am grown woman and retelling my crazy dream series here, which is so nuts, but stay with me. It just so happens that the single woman has this son, who I would say is around 10 years old, and quickly forming a bond with the seriously good-looking and strong-willed business guy. AND – here is the CLINCHER, people. Right there in the dream – I see something, I don’t know what because I am sleeping, but something that makes me wake up with a lingering thought….
…The thought is this: The guy who seems so wonderful, who is claiming to ‘adore’ the son really just feels bad for him. Ouch. I spent the rest of the night with a nagging thought. Is that the way my stepdad felt for me. Guilt? Sadness? Not real love? I have to say, this begs the question why I aim to be so damn independent and fly solo a lot. I just falter on the true meaning of feelings.
I have no idea where this came from, but it becomes increasingly apparent to me. What you say? My desire to succeed on my own without help, my refusal to lean on anyone, my blatant disregard for the helping hand. Is it being stretched out to me from guilt or true desire/want?
In the meantime, I need to shed myself of this. It is ridiculous. In a time when everything is almost in full-bloom, I have to push this fear far away, and seek help not repel it. Funny, it took a seriously goofball dream to knock this into my heard, but sometimes that happens (I guess).
I obviously need to work on this – you think?
Chime in on my craziness – leave a comment (Other than I should write a romance novel from my dream). I need it! RB