I resolve not to hold back

It was the Summer of ’69….Actually, it is the second day of 2013 and the minutes are ticking away With each minute, I find a deep-seeded need (almost a panic) to get back in the groove (excuse the pun). The boys are still not back to school.  I have come to just roll with long winter breaks, therefore, I am holed up in a Starbucks while they lounge at home with a sitter.  Two days into the new year, I have a desperate need to return to normalcy.  I am only slightly alarmed by this.  Typically, I am a systematic person, rooted in routine, grounded in my day-to-day doings, and not a fan of this pattern being disrupted.  Although my current state of urgency to get back to it is slightly heightened, and due to this, I knew I needed a few hours of regularly scheduled programming today.

The benefits of these few hours far outweighed the cost of a sitter and multiple venti something or others at Starbucks, so here I am.  Why the heightening, you ask?  Like the Bryan Adams song, It was the summer of ’69, my current desperation is only similar to the winters of the late 90’s for me.  It was during this time, life was all too chaotic for me, and I retreated.  That’s where I have been for the last month or so.  Retreating.  Yeh, I know I was away with the family for some time.  This just luckily fit perfectly into my retreating.

Way back in the mid to late 90’s, I was over-cooked.  It was a break out period for me.  A time during which I thought I was proving everyone wrong about my capabilities, my inner-being.  My bandwidth was larger than most (I felt) and I could tackle just about anything and keep the train moving forward.  No longer a college student, I was going to conquer adult life.  I found myself in graduate school full-time, in a new apartment living on my own, making new friends, nannying as a side job, working my ass off in a practicum which no one to date had held as a first year grad student in my program, holding down the same coveted practicum for a second year (also something no one else had ever done), being the ultimate family girl or the glue as everyone called me, nursing a badly broken relationship which I refused to sever, and rekindling a relationship with my biological father.

Let’s just say this:  I crashed and burned.  Not once, but twice before I got it together.

When I crashed, I retreated.  At the time, I watched repeats of movies and MTV on the tube, listened to Fleetwood Mac repeatedly (why, I have no idea), and curled up and read in bed, forgetting the world around me.  I sealed myself in a cocoon.  At that time, the only one allowed in was my mom and that was for brief visits.  She stole me away to a spa where we ended up getting stranded in a snowstorm.  This was the happiest moment of my entire life.  After ripping the final band-aid off a badly bandaged relationship of 3 years, coming to terms with the fact that I was/am not invincible, and realizing that working, working out, studying full-time and often meeting friends 7 days a week is an entirely ridiculous schedule to keep, my mom seized me.

Oh, I was good and mad at the time.  Good and mad.  I was perfectly happy laying on my floor and watching TV.  She did not like this.  I did.  She won.

I have been accused of holding back in this blog before.  I am funnier, more sarcastic, and definitely more truthful in real life, I am told.  Why do I keep holding back?  The notion that the product is coming, I have to be politically correct?  My kids may read this?  What about their friends?  Oy, and my mom’s friends?  I don’t know.  Should I hold back?  There was discussion of this by Kristen Chase at Mom2.  How honest should we be?  I need to be more.

This year – 2013 – is the year of not holding back but moving forward.  This is my resolution and this is why.

Right around Thanksgiving, I wanted to retreat again.  Everything was too much.  Aack, the product has gotten the best of me.  No matter what corner, I turn, there is more to do.  Also, my accidental writing career is phenomenal.  I love to write.  I always wanted to write.  Now, I write.  Neither are moving far enough though because one is always holding the other one back.  Crap.  The decisions I have to make are heavy, weighted, and all too much.  I know that I cannot do it all and be a mom, wife, partner, daughter, friend, and not come out broken.  So – where have I been?  Watching Homeland.  Reading Romance novels my good friend over at Smart Bitches recommends to me (that bitch, Sarah, knows the secret to getting away).  Going to the movies.

The movies is where I got tripped up because I went to see This is 40.  Beyond being funny and accurate portrayal of my life except I am the one sneaking cupcakes at my house, that movie hit a nerve.  A big one.  You see, Debbie played by Leslie Mann, is estranged from her bio dad and they are trying to make amends and her ‘real dad,’ the sperm donor doesn’t know her kids, has no idea about their lives just like mine.  Back in the winter of ’99, I think our relationship was Ok.  Now it is nothing.  My mom asks me every 6 months, do I want to make amends.  She doesn’t know it is not that easy.  The movie shows this.  I think it is impossible, and what is the point?  In the movie it works out.  It is a movie, but the pain to get there is palpable even in a comedy.  That pain the real life is worse.  My business, my writing, my kids and husband.  My father does not know any of this and it hurts.  I tuck it away somewhere and push forward with my usual compartmentalized determination.  Not in 2013. 

There is no spa getaway on the horizon.  Shit.  No retreating left in me.

So, what do I do?  I promise to get it together.  Stop retreating, disappearing, hiding and what-not.  I need to make choices and decisions about life and work and relations, and don’t want to hide that.  No way.   Not in 2013.

Be truthful – yes.

Make amends – maybe.

Write – definitely.

Love – absolutely.

What are you putting on the line other than diet and exercise in 2013?

(photo: Flickr)



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